My youngest brother had his first baby a couple weeks ago. Little Madison Jo. She couldn’t be cuter! I was able to take my family to visit last week and we had a nice time filled with baby snuggles and smiles.
And while it wasn’t something that cast a shadow on the visit, per se, I have to admit that I thought about my dad missing out on it. We knew this day was coming. The day his first grandbaby would be born who he didn’t get to hold. Maddie Jo won’t ever get to feel his hugs, bounce on his knee, hear his laugh, see his smile. At least not in-person.
That sucks.
It sucks for my brother and his wife. It sucks for Maddie Jo.
And yet, here we are. And we’ll deal with it. MJ will be loved and supported incredibly by everyone around her. As will Joey and Megan. And while people mean well when they say things like, “He’s still here in spirit!” and “Don’t worry, he sees! And he’s smiling!” the truth is, it’s not the same. At all. It just isn’t.
It’s World Suicide Prevention Day today and I’ve been thinking about my dad more than usual lately. My birthday is tomorrow, which I forget every year, too. Well, I don’t forget that it’s my birthday, just that it’s always so close to WSPD.
And honestly, I’m not sure I have any words of wisdom this year. I’m tired. I’m exhausted. In every way. The last year has been really challenging. Ultimately good, but really hard, and it doesn’t look to be letting up anytime soon. Which is ok. My wife, my kids, my family, my friends… I know they’re with me. And I know even better things are on the horizon.
If you asked me right now, I’d tell you I’m not mad at my dad. I’m sad that he’s gone, absolutely. He’s missing Sam as a high schooler and my girls as beautiful middle schoolers. I love hanging out with them and I know he would, too. They’re smart and funny. They’re so damn funny. And they get that from him.
That’s where I go every time I think about losing my dad to suicide. It’s not about me. It’s about my kids losing their Papa. That’s what tears me up. Of course I wish I had more time with him, but they’re the ones I ache for.
But, it isn’t constant. I doubt I even think about him every day. Which is normal, but it doesn’t sound very good. There are a lot of people in my life I love, but don’t think about every day. That doesn’t mean I don’t love them. It just means I’m living my life and I think about them when something reminds me of them. It’s the same with my dad.
Sometimes people ask me if it gets easier. I usually say it just gets different, but if I’m honest, I think it has gotten easier for me. It’s gotten easier for me to handle my feelings over time. They typically aren’t as strong and when I do feel intense sadness, it’s usually for a shorter amount of time. At least that’s where I’m at right now, nearly five years later. Hard to believe it’s been that long.
So, today you’re going be bombarded with messages about how you’re needed. About how you’re important. About how this world needs your voice. About how you make it a better place.
And all of those things are true.
You’re going to be told to reach out if you’re struggling. That you’re not alone. That we’re in this together.
And all of those things are true.
You’re going to be told to check on your friends. To look for signs. That you can make a difference in the lives of your friends who are struggling.
And all of those things are true.
Do your best to believe them.
You really do make today better.
If you or someone you love is struggling with depression or thoughts of suicide, please get help immediately. Call 911, contact a counselor, contact the Suicide Prevention Hotline, call a friend…I know you might not believe it, but people love you and are there to help. There are other options.
If you’ve experienced loss, you probably already know this, but the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention is a wonderful resource to help us heal. My friend Jamie’s organization, TWLOHA, is amazing, too.
